Thanks

I just wanted to thank you guys again for all your help and insight. I put together a slightly crazy manuscript based on your suggestions. If you would like a sneak peak let me know. There's not a lot of new material in it, but I did make a few changes that I hope will work to my benefit. Thanks again.

Petty

She waits in the car
Fear banging on her eardrums
Hate tuning her heartstrings
And chaos conducting from her stomach pit.

He pulls out a twenty
Sighs because he's sure it's like all the times before
There's just a few more things...
But he won't dwell on that now.

She grabs her drink
And considers asking for some more
She knows her fate is waiting
So she revels in holding the upperhand for now.

He turns on the tv while he waits.
Calculates his losses
He won't admit that he's starting to think...
What happened now? Did she fall in?

Dazed, nauseous--it's fucking unbelievable
It's unacceptable
Impossible
It can't be...it won't be.

She'd never look at it again
She throws it at him and crosses the room
Trembling and sobbing
What's taking him so long.

He comes over, just as dumbfounded
They'd talked about it before and they'd chosen a path
They end up on the bed where they sit and stare
At the u-turn they just took onto the road they never wanted to travel.

They used to fight
About money and movies, driving and dreams
They'd get so mad
They thought about going separate ways

They'll never turn on each other about this decision
They both know it was the only way
But if they fight over the remote or what to eat
They accept it for its pettiness and find a chance to smile.

I have really mixed feelings about this one. There are certain things that I do like about it, but it got a great reception before, and I don't know that I think agree that it is all that wonderful...Thoughts?

Condensed 6.

My parents were sure
You dipped me in sin
Washed me with sex
Drenched me in experience.
But they were all wrong
I knew what I was doing
How I climbed into the bottle
And sailed off on a hope
That tomorrow would be better
That the past could be forgotten.

Do you know what I mean by "Condensed 6"?

Circles of Thought

How do you ever know
If you made the right choice?
You’ve heard hindsight’s twenty-twenty,
So is insight twenty-ten?
You’ll find yourself
Happy at one moment
Sure you were right all along
But four a.m. comes and so do deeper thoughts
There’s no room for tears
That early in the morning
Just a numb pain
Everywhere imaginable
If sleep finally comes
Will it be worth the price
Of jumbled dreams
And waking up in the same place again?

Passing Judgment

The nerve…
They criticize us without knowing
The truth—
The truths we hide
They don’t know about our past
They haven’t seen our future
And with apathetic expressions
We hid the present
Holding on to things
We should have lost
We need to turn away
But we cling to the pain and
We cling to each other
We cling to the memories
Of what we were like
Before you quit your job
Before I moved closer
Before that fateful day
Full of words that
We didn’t know we were saying
Words we couldn’t understand
About a life we couldn’t understand
Before I signed that paper
And swallowed those pills
Before you couldn’t be perfect
When I wouldn’t accept your selfishness
As a natural need
As a heartache
As your love for me
When I wouldn’t accept the very thought
That became the truth too soon.

Don't forget the rules. For a refresher check the first post ever "Open Up".

My Twenty-Third Chance

Trying to believe in forgiveness that I feel incapable of...

Could you hold your hand out now
After all the times I refused to hold it
Will you love me somehow
Take my heart and try to mold it.

Can you hold me close to you
Even though I’m tired and weary?
I can see your eyes—the clearest blue
Though mine are bloodshot and teary.

I want you to kiss me
You said I was the one.
Try not to miss me
I’ll try not to run.

Will you look past every flaw
All the things I said were wrong
Make it as if you never saw
I was weak but you can make me so strong.

The Rainbow

Some poems I wrote in Modern Drama while I should have been considering geopathology. For fun, you can try to figure out how geopathology was influencing my thought process!

Red
You want me to bleed
For you. Bleed straight from the heart
Red hot, blood red--love.

Orange
Vodka with a hint of orange juice
And the feeling you get at sunset
In the middle of November
Sitting on the balcony
Itemizing
Considering
Just before
The world lights up for the last time.

Yellow
We painted my white walls yellow
To make me smile on rainy days.
"I want to remember the sun," I told you,
"I want to see it when the winds are howling,
When the snow if falling.
I want to remember the sun when the sun won't shine."
You smiled at me
Like you wanted your life to be that simple.
I just wanted something
To keep me warm.
I could live on the surface of the sun
Without regretting
The intensity of its heat.

Green
He took me to the forest
He took me in the forest
Now the circle of life
That would bring me back to the earth,
Lay me under the grass
Cool and comfortable
Won't come fast enough
Or leave me here to rest.
I've started a new one--
The circle rolls on.

Blue
Blue is the horizon
Where I might want to be
If I wasn't hiding
Under my blue blanket
In my blue mindset
With the blues playing
On my blue-lit stereo.
I hate pathetic fallacy.
I hate everything when I'm blue.

Indigo
A deeper shade of loneliness
A darker glimpse into despair
Dipping into the indigo of the night sky
Where God sits and ignores my every prayer.

Violet
I feel like royalty
When you grace me with your presence.
Set a crown on my head;
I could be beautiful to someone.
Drape my naked body in purples
Signs of your desire the world will never see
I'm not a masochist I'm a plagarist
Pain will never turn me on.
I want to be treated like princess.
I want to live like a queen.

Help!

By February 14, 2006, any UWO English students wishing to take Creative Writing in the 2006-2007 Fall/Winter academic year have to submit a manuscript of approximately five pages to demonstrate their writing abilities. Can you see where this is going? I hope so...Last year I applied and was utterly rejected. My poor broken heart...but here we are again, and I'm not about to let the date pass without some kind of attempt--half-ass or fully-dedicated--it makes little difference. There are only twenty-four places in total, and then a waiting list of about twelve places. So, it's pretty competitive. Now, I'm not going to lie--I have no intention of stretching myself to suit the prof and torturing myself to get accepted into this course. However, I think that if I can get in on my own merits I might really enjoy it. Here's where you come in: I need help choosing a few things to submit. All I really want is some direction; tell me what you like or what you hate, specifically or generally and I will be exceptionally stoic about it. I think this blog allows anonymous posts, but if not I won't chase you down and make you explain yourself, I promise. That's all I want--just a little advice. If you would rather send me an email or talk to me about this on MSN I'm up for that too. Use the email in my profile though because my hotmail account is a pain in my butt. Can you do that for me? I would really appreciate it. Otherwise I'll be more aggressive and you all know how annoying I can be when I put my mind to it. PS there are a few other things still posted on the site I was using for this. They definitely allow anonymous reviews...or at least I think they used to. So if that suits your purpose a little better I can dig up the URL. If you are feeling really adventurous make up an identity and get yourself a free account. Only to meet my ends though, okay? Thanks. I love you all as much as I love cake.

And

And he’ll never understand
The difference between
Loneliness and being alone
Need and want
Falling apart and needing help
Time alone and time apart
Frustration and anger
And he doesn’t want to know
Why I can’t help feeling
And thinking
And demanding
And retreating
Why I need to be with him
And I want to be alone
I need to talk it out
And can’t make a sound
And so I try to give in
And he won’t let me
I try to escape
And he overcomes me
So, I cry, curse, despair and deny
The “and.”

Release

Every breath
Takes more than it grants
Every heartbeat
Leads into a deeper trance
Every tear
Steals more than exists
Always doing more
Than anyone insists
Til there’s no ease
For the ache in your chest
Life is incessant
You never get a chance to rest.
No escape
You can’t find a way out
And long ago
You completely forgot what you were so worried about

Darkness surrounds you
And peace overcomes your heart
You tear to shreds
Everything that was pulling you apart.
You thought there was no way out.
Now the coldness
Erases your doubt.

The cares you held
That made blisters on your hands
Slip through your fingers
But no one understands
Your eyes are blind
But you never wanted to see
There’s nothing left.
Finally, released.

The Addiction

Words tend to disintegrate
On the tip of my tongue
If they don’t stick like tar
To the roof of my mouth

Hopes are lost in the fog
Of my desolate mind
As idleness seizes my limbs
Darkness descends on my heart.

To sleep only to dream
Is an idea that was obliterated years ago
Just resting takes as much effort
As opening a heavy-laden eyelid.

Despair floods my life
And spills into yours
Once it touches your lips
You’ll be addicted too.

Divided

His kisses fall on my lips like snowflakes
Just a tiny bit of coldness
Like a tender nip by Jack Frost
The softest, sweetest, gentlest love.

You want to ravage my heart and soul
Tear me apart from my own awareness
Take my intellect and trample it
Leave me tender and broken in.

He places his arms around my waist
Bring me in towards him
Warms me with his kindness
And makes my tears run dry

You find me on the ground
Bleed my thoughts and feelings dry
Press yourself into me
Create a thirst and abandon me in the desert

And I know I’m destined to destroy him
His love is so acceptable
His kindness so exempt of demand
Soon he’ll grant me the strength I need to leave.

But you can feed on my insides
Hold my burning heart in your hands
Swallow my soul and force your life on me
Convinced I lust for every moment of that torture.

The Worst

It’s not just the terrible, the horrible, the miserable
Feeling that pins me to my self-proclaimed
Desolation and hopelessness
It’s more than being sad
It’s more than normal and
It’s more than unbearable guilt and
A self-defeatist attitude
My own pair of cement boots
Broken down
Just to build up a greater wall
A taller wall
A stronger wall
So I can crumble less conspicuously
But you wonder why I love the darkness
You’d rather draw back the blinds
Saying even twilight is brighter
Than the dank dungeon I live in
There’s no cry for help because that requires
Laying blame
Putting others out and
Admitting the worst:
The end looks brighter than the middle.

My favorite part about this poem is that I included this quote right after it:
“Up yours. Stop your whining. Yea, fuck your suicide. I know it’s bullshit ‘cuz I tried; and it really don’t impress me all that much…” I love those goos.

Dedications

These are a few more of my "dedicated" poems...I'm feeling very Emily Dickinson and numbering them instead of giving them titles. In my mind the title is the name of the person I would be addressing. Let me know if you think you know who it is, especially if you are utterly convinced it's you.

1.

I’m not here to serve you
I wasn’t sent to this earth to bow before you
I can’t make them love you darlin’
They don’t like me enough.

I can’t set you free tonight
Unless you have the key
I’m shackled to the wall over here now
And you’re a million miles away.

If you give me a chance
I might prove myself worthy
Even if I’m not the one you dream of
And I’ll never be every thing you need.

I’m hanging my head in shame again
So I never see the sun
And you keep your head so high
You’ll never notice me

Did you hope that I would save you?

You hate it when I say you’re wrong
Did you hope you’d found someone to trust?
You won’t even talk to me…

You aren’t here to serve me and I know it
I’ll never see you crawling to me
Because I can’t make you love me darlin’

And I’ll never be enough

2.

Ask me all your questions
I’ll tell you all my lies
Living as we are in this place
Our hope is our demise.

My guilt is an alcoholic
But she’s boisterous and fun
Some days I find her passed out on the floor
And think her days are finally done.

You bring out the worst in me
My bitterness and hostility
You love every second of it
And praise my obnoxious ability

But you don’t know any more
Than any one else I’ve ever known.
And you will never believe my strife
Until you tell me your own.

3.

You tell me I’m the smartest person you’ve ever met
And run to me
With questions about vocabulary and politics
You tell me secrets I can only hold on to
Every day I feel like I’m lying to you
Every day you tell me all the same things all over again
And I want to yell
And I want to scream
And I want to press some sense into
Your open mind.
I want to fail you
Once and for all
I want you to see
The truth that looms beyond the mask
You hold up in front of my face
Kind words,
A tender heart,
A helping hand
When every one else turns the other way.
And I know
I’m going to let you down.

Loyal to a fault.

4.

A self-proclaimed asshole
You look at me and say,
“How long have you known me?”
Whenever I question you
Whenever I doubt you
Whenever I show you any love.

But you will be the one
To turn the other way
Give me the space I need
When the tears are rolling
When the world is crumbling
You put out the hand I need to hold.

And for all the condescending words
You mutter in my general direction
I only hear the gentle thanks for little favors
Whenever I help you.
I only see your soft self-conscious smirk—
Acknowledging the hopelessness of fate.

5.

Maybe someday you’ll know me
Maybe someday you’ll open your eyes
And understand
Why I wanted you to be blind forever.

You tell me you get it
Say you've figured me out
I back you into a corner
And bleed out your opinions.

You want me
To know you feel superior
You look at me and think
I’m looking at you to save me.

And you’ll beat me down
When I’m already low.
You’ll hiss and resist
You’ll willingly make everything worse.

I’ve never met someone so ungrateful
None of my good deeds escape your notice
And you place every one of them on me
As “proof” of my infidelity.

And if I cry
And if I break
And if I let you see all of me
You’ll never speak to me again.

Last Plea

Tell me, honey, can you?
That you still believe in me
Hold me darling, would you?
The mood came back
And now if sleep still evades me
I’ll hunt down death
And invite her to dinner
My treat.

Love me, sweetheart, can’t you?
Without love life loses meaning
Stay with me, darling, won’t you?
After all the past
We wrote down together
You can’t let me slip away
Into despair all over again
Never again…

I Hope I'm Dying

Sometimes I hope I’m dying
That life is draining from my every limb
Seeping out through blood, sweat, and tears
So that if I ever close my eyes
I may never have to open them again.
So that each pen stroke
Holds a little more meaning
And every breath
Is more worth taking.
I’ll run harder for the last mile
Than I did for the other twenty
Uphill.
I’ll climb harder when I can see the peak.
But then again
Sometimes I hope I’m dying
Just so I won’t take another step
Away from you.

To Andrea

Tell me all your secrets
I won’t even whisper them to the stars
Or bellow them at the moon
Like a drunk at midnight.

Hold on to all my secrets
Don’t let them slip
They’re soft and subtle
As steel wool on a baby’s butt.

The first in a series of dedicated poems...the only one that will have the name attached.